Silly Goose's blog

Infertility sucks

Two words. I only need just two words to describe how I feel. INFERTILITY SUCKS!!

My husband and I had a long talk. We were able to collect our thoughts regarding our 7- 8 years of TTC.

Our IVF journey is officially over, which means our TTC journey as well. It is a very sad day for us. We have (or I have) 1% of conceiving naturally. If that miracle EVER happens, great. If not... we've decided to face the reality. The reality is --we cannot have our own children. It sucks. It really does. It has happened to other couples, many other couples. Unfortunately we are one of them.

IVF is physically and mentally draining (and financially). It's an emotional roller coaster, and there is nothing you can do. I never thought this day would come. I was hoping for a happy ending. It wasn't to be. The 3rd unsuccessful IVF made me realize there has to be an end to it. We've been married for almost 11 years. We've become very fond of each other.  We are good to each other. Some couples have kids and don't have that "happy marriage". At least we have that. We were hoping to have both...

We started to talk about couples without kids. I mean "known couples" like famous people. If they can do it, so can we.
I said, "Beatrix Potter". She was married and had no kids. Who else comes to mind??

Unlike last time, I am not that devastated. First of all, I wasn't given time to build the anxiety of BFN. The period came all the sudden. You know how I feel?  I am just so sad. I am just so disappointed. I think I finally faced the reality that I couldn't overcome the infertility.

Again,

Infertility sucks.

Out of the blue

The period appeared. I am so stunned. No other words to describe how I feel right now.

There were absolutely no signs of AF. No PMS. It's not like I was spotting for a couple of days, cramping, no this or that, it just came...

Way earlier than the previous IVFs too ... 13DPO

I'm more stunned because I had no symptoms until this morning.

This afternoon, I noticed bright red spotting, which was not a good sign. Then I was like, "hhmmm, could this be cramps?" then BOOM. The period showed its nasty head.

When I had minor spotting this afternoon, I told my husband about it. He was upset and sad. This is the first he kind of showed any emotions. I could never tell if he was affected by the outcome.

I am going to call Dr in the morning - probably have the blood test done, rather than the schedule beta (Monday, 3/16). 

My mind is so blurred.

No news is good news?

9DP4DT (9 day post day-4 transfer) 9DPT (9 day post transfer) 13DPR / 13DPO (13 day post retrieval)

Still I have absolutely no symptoms. I mean NADA. I google and find comments like "no symptoms except for xxxxxx" a lot. OK, that's still a symptom. For me, there is nothing. I mean I'm taking the progesterone shots and suppository. Isn't there anything from that?? Nope, not me.

• Frequent urination - No
• Cramping - No
• Sharp pain in ovary - No
• Headache - No
• Hot flashes - No
• Spotting - No
• CM - No (very dry!)
• Bloating - No
• Weight gain - No
• Sore breasts - No
• Sore butts!? - No

I mean nothing... This is rather weird.

One thing I want an answer is the relationship with Lupron Depot (this is different from the daily subcutaneous injection). I haven't had my period since last November. Lupron Depot shuts down everything (to menopausal stage). Yeah, the side effects I endured were just lovely. Hot flashes, dryness downstairs (seriously), etc.

So is that why I'm not having any discharge or spotting??? I mean it'd be wonderful if this is because I'm pregnant. But I don't know. 

Am I supposed to be afraid of the period to come like the last time or the period won't come on schedule because of Lupron Depot? (OK, I'm thinking of this in case this cycle was a bust...)

Well, I know I ovulated thanks to all those stims. Around that time, I had pre-O symptoms like cervical mucus and all that. So Lupron Depot situation is irrelevant now? FYI - my last injection was on January 6. I can't find any answers to that.

Ah well. I might as well enjoy nothingness while it lasts.

Being a little pregnant

7DP4DT (7 day post day-4 transfer) 7DPT (7 day post transfer) 11DPR / 11DPO (11 day post retrieval)

After recovering from the terrible stomach flu, I enjoy having absolutely no symptoms. I don't even have sore butts from the daily progesterone shot. Learning from the previous 2 IVFs that symptoms during 2ww mean NOTHING, helps go through yet another cycle.

I wasn't sure if I'd be overanalytical. The previous 2 cycles, OH yes. But having completely 2 different symptoms, I've decided not to read into anything, and so far I managed to do that.

Y'know, IVF is something that can make you "a little" pregnant. I don't know how my precious embryos are doing right now. I'm hoping they've decided to stay in my uterus. Since the retrieval, I'm a little pregnant. This is the closest I came in pregnancy. I know that's sad, but true.

My husband asked if I wanted to test before the beta on Monday. He's never said that. I don't know. Maybe... maybe not... Last cycle, it did not prepare me for the news at all. I was very depressed when a nurse called me, and I was sad for a very long time. I thought getting negative from HPT would ease the pain if the bad news came. Nope, it didn't. I was upset when I saw that NOT PREGNANT sooner that I could've been.

So I don't know. We'll see how I feel this weekend.

I'm just praying that they stuck. I'm praying that the stomach flu didn't ruin them. I'm just... praying...

Stomach Flu

4DP4DT (4 day post day-4 transfer) 4DPT (4 day post transfer) 8DPR / 8DPO (8 day post retrieval)

It's been a terrible few days. TWW worries haven't been on my mind at all, other than the safety of the two embryos...
I've been plagued with stomach flu for a few days. Fever, nausea, diarrhea, you name it. I've only taken Tylenol to alleviate the fever and headache. I'm just being cautious after the transfer.

This is one way to distract my mind during the two week wait.

Drinking lots of water and resting, the old fashioned remedy seems to work best. I'm nowhere near better. Hope this won't affect the "implantation". :-(

Here comes another 2WW

1DP4DT (1 day post day-4 transfer) 1DPT (1 day post transfer) 5DPR / 5DPO (5 day post retrieval)

The transfer went well. 2 precious embryos were alive and well. They came back to where they belong!

Doc said the embryos looked very good, much better than the last IVF. So hopefully it will work this time.

I changed the progesterone suppository though. I just couldn't like Crinone and switched to Endometrin. The nurse said they are the same. I know suppositories are never fun, but inserting the tablet seemed less gross than a goo. I slept for 15 hours today. I try not to overanalyze everything this time if that's possible.

Compromise

It's funny how people can quickly compromise.

Last Friday, I was frustrated that only 5 eggs were retrieved.

I was scared if all 5 would fertilize.

Today, I got a call from RE saying that only 2 fertilized...

Now I'm nervous if those 2 eggs will make it for Day-4 transfer tomorrow.

You see where I'm going?

I'm kind of depressed now. I know it only takes one... but.

IVF #3

Today was my egg retrieval. 5 eggs were retrieved. I'm more than disappointed, and even more scared than before. I'm so afraid to find out how many eggs fertilized tomorrow.

The procedure was uneventful. Having done this twice before, helped me prepare. I really didn't want to do this 3 times.

The clinic is supposed to call me tomorrow to let me know the number of the fertilized eggs. Actually they never do. I wait a few days and "I" call them to find out. Wish they kept their word, for something so important...

I started Crinone from this evening. HATE IT. I find Endometrin much easier. The nurse said Crinone and Endometrin are the same. The only reason the clinic switched to Crinone is the price. Endometrin is so much more expensive. I'm covered by the insurance (meds-wise) and the co-pay is the same, so I will order Endometrin later.

I also forgot to take the doxycyclin and medrol this morning. Well, I didn't forget -- I fell asleep after coming home from the 7am retrieval. I probably should've taken them before falling asleep.

Third time is a charm?

The retrieval is set for Friday, February 27. I'm so scared... What if it doesn't work? My devastation will be unfathomable... I know I should be positive. Positive thoughts positive thoughts, but I'm so scared.

I've been going to the clinic everyday since last weekend. The early morning appointments are so hard. The doc said I'm ready. I guess I am ready in that department - I'm not quite sure if I am ready... mentally.

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HCG Shot 9pm (2/25)
Gonal-F 300 IU daily in am (2/12 - 2/25)
Menopur 3 vials daily in pm (2/11 - 2/24)
Lupron 5 units daily in pm (2/11 - 2/24)
Lupron 10 units daily in pm (2/2 ~ 2/10)

Painful Menopur

This is the third IVF for me - and the stim med, Menopur shots have been quite painful. I reread my old blogs, and it merely mentions "it was quite painful.". It is, but the pain is more than "quite painful". Did I lose weight that I don't have enough cushioning in my tummy or something?

I even called the nurse if I was supposed to have the Menopur shot in my buttocks! I feel the needle going in and staying in. I even feel the fluid going through the muscle! It's unbearable. My husband keeps saying "sorry" as he injects this darn thing. Lupron shot is like a breeze compared to this. I just don't remember the Menopur shot being this bad. Am I just been forgetful!?

Even the day after the injection, the site is so sore. I can't believe I have to have this shot for 10 more days or something.

Also Gonal-F is giving me the unbearable headaches. Aaaah the joy... enough bitching for the day, I guess.

**********************
Gonal-F 300 IU daily in am (since 2/12)
Menopur 3 vials daily in pm (since 2/11)
Lupron 5 units daily in pm (since 2/11)
Lupron 10 units daily in pm (2/2 ~ 2/10)